What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So many bounce houses so little time
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
