So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
