Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
