I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
