I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
