Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
