My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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