To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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