so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
