I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
