Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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