Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
