i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
