can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No subtext here. People are naked.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
