I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
