Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize