You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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