Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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