I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
