and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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