I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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