I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
