I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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