Already got asked if we're dating
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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