I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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