I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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