mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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