I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
