The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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