Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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