So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
