I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
be right there i have to get my cape
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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