If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
