She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
