The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
