it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize