dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
