So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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