I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My pussy is not your playground.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
