you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
