How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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