Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize