U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
