how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
