Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
