So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
