saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
