He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
