I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
