my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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