If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
