I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
