Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize