I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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