batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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