Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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