Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
