If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize