I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
