I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
