so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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