When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
