I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
