She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
