i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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