My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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