o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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