Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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