Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
