i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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